half of my heart
by Sorde
Summary: Half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything. Post-SLT, 6x13. Confrontation.


**Title:** half of my heart  
**Summary: **_Half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything. _Post-SLT (6x13)  
**Couples: **Mark/Lexie!  
**Author's Note: **I know, I know, I _just_ posted a story a few days ago, but after being inspired both by this song (well, okay, I was Mark/Lexie-inspired by this song months ago, but there wasn't much I could do about it, back then) and last night's episode, my jumbled thoughts wouldn't rest, so this came about. Basically, I had two goals in creating this one (spoiler alert!): poking gentle fun at Lexie's incessant crying (come on, as heartbreaking as it may have been, the Lexie-Cristina scene? Hilarious.) and reuniting Mark and Lexie, which, I know, I swore to myself I wouldn't do until I thought they were in a place where it could actually happen, but come on. Am I the only one completely depressed about their breakup? I had to write a reunion, and I did _try _to make it as realistic as possible. Mission maybe-not accomplished, but whatever. Enjoy!  
**Disclaimer: **If I owned Grey's Anatomy, Mark and Lexie would be happily married. Which does not, unfortunately, make good television drama. Title goes to John Mayer, as do the lyrics in the summary.

**[ half of my heart ]**

Lexie Grey had never been familiar with the concept of love before.

In her mind, it was as it is portrayed in books and movies - simple. Easy. Something that consumed your life entirely, prevented you from pain. Something consistently reparable, something that everyone achieved and maintained, hidden in their back pocket for any necessary use. She'd sworn up and down that she was in love, once, too, right around the age of sixteen, when her football-player boyfriend had drawn her a clumsily-made heart-shaped card for Valentine's Day. Back when days were simple, when hand-made, heart-shaped cards could make your heart swell with pleasure, deceive it into believing it's in love.

It seem so... precise, then. You either loved someone, or you didn't. When you did, you didn't screw up. When you did, nothing could come between you. And yet, later that year, the very same football-player boyfriend went to college, and, while Lexie was moderately upset, her summer did go on, and the following year, another boyfriend succeeded the first with barely a second glance.

Her parents had made it simple, too. Her mom loved her dad, and he reciprocated. This image was, of course, before Meredith and her mom were known, before Lexie discovered the slight blemish on her parents' picture-perfect marriage. She grew up in the perfect house, white picket fence and all, and understood the concept of family love all too well. She and Molly rarely fought; she got along well with both her father, and her mother. And all of this culminated to the apparently inappropriate impression that love was an easy, effortless thing.

But even the mere act of loving was the most challenging, emotionally draining thing she'd ever experienced. To have your every thought consumed with the image of the other was almost impossible to bear... wonderful, strange, exciting, but draining. And loving Mark Sloan had to be, literally, the _most_ emotionally draining thing of all, because he didn't even understand the concept of familial love.

In it's own way, however, it, too, was simple. It didn't take a lot to satisfy the thirst of the love; sitting for coffee early in the morning, making casual conversation, or, preferable to both of them, sex. Even quick glances and hidden smirks was fine. But then came his daughter, and familial love suddenly became new to him, and his heart didn't have room for this incredible daughter of his, and for Lexie.

Or, at least, that's what he was telling her.

"I wasn't - I'm not being an asshole, Lexie!" he roared, throwing his hands into the air in exasperation. "I'm not telling you that you're completely wrong, that you should go to hell, I'm saying that you should try to see my point of view!"

"And-and what's that? That you... that you have a right to sleep with Addison for a _week_, but that I can't sleep with Alex _once_?" Tears ran furiously down her cheeks, either because she was angry or because they just seemed to do that whenever he was around, it was hard to say. She stood in the middle of his apartment, his back to the door as she confronted him. Her hair was still in a tight bun from work, and her scrubs - in desperate need of a good clean - lay folded over one arm. She brushed back a portion of her bangs angrily, and glared at him again, as if defying her own tears.

"No! That maybe you shouldn't've broken up with me for wanting to be damn _dad_, Lexie! That maybe you shouldn't have hopped into bed with Karev the first chance you had!"

"I was drunk!"

"If there was _one _thing I learned from being with you, it's that alcohol is a hell of a crappy excuse!" For a second, he took a step forward, hovering menacingly over her.

"Well, I - I'm _sorry _about Alex, okay?" There was a pause, a moment where they both made attempts to catch their breath. "Not that you can talk." Before he had a chance to reply, however, she'd brushed that comment off with a wave of her hand and resumed speaking, her voice in a forced control. "But you... you were pushing me away a long time before I ended it. You kept putting her before me."

"What's being a dad about, then? If you can't put your kid before you girlfriend, then-"

"What about married couples, Mark? Do you think their child still comes top priority?"

"Yes!" For a moment, she paused, looking at him inquiringly.

"_In specific cases,_" she growled. "You're right that, _in specific cases_, the child should come first. But in things like... alone time! A nineteen-year-old should know that a closed door means sleeping!"

"When the couples are married, not when they're dating! Kids respect their _parents, _Lexie, and you weren't hers!"

"So it wasn't even going in that direction, then? I'm just completely crazy? We were... we were _just dating_? No impromptu, almost-married-proposals?"

"That was before Sloan!"

"Ha!" She pointed at him accusingly. "There, there it is! I had nothing against you being a dad, Mark, I had something against you putting our relationship on the back burner while you did it!"

"I was... she's supposed to be top priority, Lexie!"

"I agree!" she burst out, letting her hand drop. "But you're a doctor, Mark, you're capable of multi-tasking! You can prioritize your job and your daughter, but you can't do your girlfriend?" For a second, they took another brief break, and the tiniest of grins appeared in the corner of Mark's mouth, a bare shadow.

"I could definitely _do _my girlfriend," he muttered playfully, looking down as though he was aware that it was an inappropriate time.

"That- just... I- _Not the point, Mark._" And, to her utter embarrassment, at the thought of sex (with Mark, of course) a fresh round of tears came pouring down her face, which she promptly wiped away furiously.

"Yeah." His shoulders were gradually relaxing, tension disappearing slightly from the air. "Yeah, I know, I just-" He ran an unsteady hand through his hair. "I don't know how to... love." He cleared his throat, obviously and openly uncomfortable. "More than one person, I mean."

"That's not true. You loved, like, six people at the same time... differently. Callie, and Derek, and..." She took a breath. "Addison, and your residents, in a weird, like-to-piss-off kind of way, and..." She hesitated, but ultimately left her own name out of there.

"I'm talking about love, here, Grey. Like the way you love your kid versus... a wife, I guess. Family love. Real, honest-to-God, soulmate crap." All yelling seemed to disappear, just like that.

"So you only know how to love... Sloan?"

"In a Dad way," he hastened to add, and she nodded. "I guess," he consented.

"I'm... sorry."

"For what? Sleeping with Karev?"

"No! You don't - you can't be mad at me, you slept with Addison!"

"I was hurting!"

"So what!" She paused, took a deep breath. "We can't- we shouldn't do this again. I was... apologizing for not understanding."

"Don't say that." He shook his head. "You get it... got it better than most."

"I'm sorry I got mad at you for pushing me away, then."

"Stop it," he growled. "Stop apologizing for breaking it off, for getting mad... Apologize about Karev, sure. But you weren't ready to be a mother, and, as much as I pretended I did, I didn't really expect you to be, anyway."

"You were looking for an excuse to push me away."

"Yeah."

"Fair enough." She nodded, and began to walk to the door. "I'm sorry about... all of this," she said, gesturing wildly around the room. "And for barging in, and for getting angry and-" She wiped away a fresh wave of tears, "Getting-"

"Hormonal?" he offered, and she laughed.

"I was going to go with emotional."

"I liked hormonal better," he said, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah. So I'll just-" She gestured at the door.

"I'm... I'm sorry I couldn't fit you in, by the way. I'm sorry I couldn't get you and Sloan in." He paused, sticking his tongue out a bit in concentration. "I think... I think, ultimately, it's better for you, because you deserve more than half a heart."

"You're a really good guy, Mark. Don't let any woman tell you different, in the future, okay?" He nodded his consent, and she turned, quietly shutting the door behind her. After a second, a quick pause, she reached into her back pocket and extracted a set of keys, which she promptly stuck into the lock of the door she'd just closed. She opened it, and he turned to look at her.

"I think I could deal with half a heart, really."

"You don't deserve that."

"I you'd... if you'd forget about Alex-"

"Karev."

"If you'd forget about _Karev_, or forgive, or _something_, than I think I could... I think I could accept being deprioritized, for a while."

"I can't guarantee anything, Little Grey."

"I know. But are you... willing to try?"

"D'you think you'll stop crying if I say yes?"

"Um, it would be really nice."

And he took a courageous step forward, wrapping an arm around her quickly, as though afraid she'd disappear, before throwing the other around hastily, forcing her face quickly into his chest. Her tears soaked through his shirt quickly, but no fresh ones came.

The concept of love, in Lexie Grey's eyes, was that it was not simple, it was not something to be taken for granted. It was consistent work, never-ending sacrifice, unbelievably emotionally draining, heartbreaking, but, in the end, just as worth it as it appeared in the movies.


End file.
